“The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9
This verse is confusing. I read it correctly, but my mind always wants to put my name in the second half of this sentence. “Justin directs his steps” sounds safer. I’m grateful for grace because I’m still learning that I’m not always in control.
As life’s trials and tribulations evolve, I am learning valuable lessons of patience, gratefulness, and appreciation. The past couple of days have been especially tough.
It started with phone calls that I had to make on Friday. I won’t bore you with details, but let me just say that coordinating files and referrals between doctors can be a very difficult endeavor.
Katie had offered to make the calls for me, but I’m not good at allowing people to help. Many of her strengths supplement my abundance of weaknesses. I’m thankful for that.
I had it in my head that I was going to finally get to go home on Friday. When I realized that it would be a better decision to stay, it took a larger toll than I anticipated.
On Saturday, I felt like the past few months just came crashing down on me. I couldn’t get out of my own head. I slept, a lot. When I wasn’t sleeping, I was discontent, I wanted to be alone, or maybe I didn’t. I wanted to do something. I didn’t know what I wanted. I just knew that I had lost all confidence in everything that I did, was doing, or could do.
I tried to write, I couldn’t.
I tried to relax, I failed.
So I found a pair of shoes, put in my earbuds, and walked the hilly neighborhood. It’s good to get moving. With all of the uncertainty, lack of control, decision making, and waiting on other people, the only real thing that I can control is what I do in my down time.
I called Katie and told her that I’d be walking in the neighborhood. She saw me when she returned from lunch, got out of the car and walked the rest of the way with me. We talked about the things that I had uncharacteristically felt those couple of days, and I apologized. I told her I was sorry for not having a whole lot of energy. I realized that I wanted to be alone because I was afraid that others would confuse my lack of engagement as disinterest.
For some reason, I had lost all confidence in everything that I was doing or going through. I felt extremely vulnerable and couldn’t get out of my head. When we passed the house, Katie encouraged me to run the next lap on my own. That’s exactly what I did.
My lungs were not kind, but I pushed forward. I haven’t run in at least six months. I knew it would be hard, but I wanted it to be harder than sitting at home and wondering what was going to happen next.
My legs kept moving. My body began to hurt, but my head began to lighten. It was just what I needed. I felt much better.
After two months on the road, any amount of frustration can pile up if you let it. I let it.
I need to stay moving. It would be easier if I didn’t have to be out of my apartment and into a new place by the end of the month or knew when my doctor’s appointments would be. I wish I knew that I can do for my eyesight or sleep in my own bed. Until those things happen, I have to do my best to stay occupied.
I took a small break from blogging over the weekend. As much as I wanted to write on Friday and Saturday, I knew that it would be heavy and that I’d more than likely regret it. I couldn’t get out of my own head and I knew that a lot of what I was feeling was temporary.
Overall, I’m not in a bad place. I’m very grateful, very thankful, and super appreciative of all that I’ve been given, the support I have received, and the kindness of those I’ve interacted with. It’s just another day, another lesson, another hurdle on the road to the finish line. I’ll have hard days, but that isn’t a prerequisite to be hard on myself.