Irrational Fears

Let me start this out by saying that I’m not scared of much. I don’t think that makes me tougher than the average person, I think it just means that most of my fears are irrational.

My semi-rational fears include: wasps/bees/yellow jackets, scorpions, falling from a high elevation, and getting eaten by a shark. These things make me fearful because they all consistently cause pain or death. I am not a very big fan of either.

I am not ashamed to admit that I run every time a bee is near me. A few years ago, I beat a scorpion 50 times with a shoe just to make sure it was dead. I never get close to the edge when I’m in elevated locations. And I don’t swim past the roped off areas in oceans. As far as rational fears go, my bases are covered.

What I am unsure of is whether or not my irrational fears will consume me.

A couple of weeks ago I had to sit through a boring presentation. Forty other people attended this training seminar, but somehow I figured that forty other people did not share the same senseless fear that I had. Ten minutes into the hour and a half seminar I felt an urge. It was a familiar urge. It was an urge to yell something really loud. It didn’t matter what it was, it just needed to be loud. I kept thinking, “balls”. The appeal was that it would grab the attention of everyone in the room. It would have been embarrassing, but in my head I knew I would be able to laugh at it later. Nevertheless, I became worried that the urge would grow stronger and stronger. I knew I couldn’t yell in a quiet room, but the fact that I wasn’t supposed to made me want to do it anyway (or was it that pint-sized guy on my right shoulder?).

I have other ridiculous fears too. I don’t attend a whole lot of weddings, but when I do I can’t relax until I’ve made it through the part where the priest asks the congregation if anyone objects to the wedding. While I sit patiently, my palms sweat as I think about being the one to object. I think about standing up, proclaiming in a loud voice that “I do”, and then telling everyone that I have always wanted to do that when asked why I objected. It wouldn’t have anything to do with who is getting married, my ideology of marriage, or anything else. It would have everything to do with the fact that I know I shouldn’t, that I know I have no reason to object, and that nobody else ever does. The 21st century could do me a favor and take that question out of there. Until then, it’s just another fear I have to keep a close eye on.

I hate backing up in parking lots. I have a fear of hitting someone as I back up. That may sound rational and I agree that it is, but what isn’t is that I have a fear of running someone over and pulling back up and running over them again in a state of panic, which transfers my rational fear into an irrational one. I hope this never happens, but the fact that I am capable of it creeps me out. I don’t completely relax until I’m moving forward (and nobody is lying on the pavement).

I only get to sit and think about my next absurd fear when I’m in the process of getting pulled over (which, lucky for me, is on rare occasions). Maybe I have watched too many episodes of COPS or too many OJ Simpson car chases in my lifetime, but I fear that one day, when a cop is trying to pull me over, I will slam on the gas pedal and try to outrun him. Let me stress the fact that I would never have any reason to do this (unless of course you count that one time when my stomach was grumbling and…well, nevermind). I’ve seen the shows and I’m no fool, nobody EVER gets away, unless you work in fast food and you talk to the guy with the Dale Earnhardt hat, he has a story for everything. I wouldn’t try to outrun the police to get away, I just know that I’m not supposed to…and that the thought always crosses my mind, even if it’s just for a split second.

The probabilities of getting eaten by a shark are way better than any of my irrational fears actually taking place (unfortunately), but they are still fears. I’ll never yell an incoherent word or sentence in the middle of a meeting, object to a marriage I could care less about, back up and run someone over only to pull up and run them over again, or try to outrun the cops, but the fact that I am capable of doing them and have been trained not to since my conception makes me want to. So until I actually carry one of these things out they will always be fears of mine, but if I ever do you’ll be the first to know.

3 Replies to “Irrational Fears”

  1. I'm the same way at weddings! I always want to yell out "I object! I'm in love with the groom!" Most of the time, this is not true, ok it has never been true. But I am always anxious in weddings about actually yelling it out.

  2. on yelling out at the state of objection – I sit there thinking just before the question of "should anyone object to this union please speak now or forever hold your peace" – Well if it was spoken what would happen? I mean does the ceremony stop? Is it reschuled pending the reason for the objection? Or is the issue resolved there and then amoung the many shocked guests and the ever furious mother or mother-in-law. Not to mention the squeamish bride and or groom reeling in their head "oh no what does she know" and look of fear in each other's eyes. And while that brief awkward moment is in silence, secretly the guest are dying in anticipation to "know" what the objection may be and immediately begin to form their own opinions of who's the "one" (the bride or the groom)

  3. Justin… i could name way more things that you are afraid of. These things don't cause physical pain though. You know what I mean.

    Love, Sasquatch

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