Ending the Week With Humor: Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg was one of my favorite comedians. His jokes seemed like the perfect way to end the workweek:

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: “I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green.” Woah, hold on now! Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! – Unless they’re suffocating – then help’em.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f*ck’s really goin’ on down there? Who is the real hero?

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him. He said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.”, “You son of a bitch! How’d you pull that off? Let me see that camera!”

I think Bigfoot is blurry; that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. “Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.”

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, “I’m gonna go shave, too.”

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

I’m an ice sculptor. Last night, I made a cube.

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air conditioning. Problem solved.

I was on a bus and it was the middle of the night. And I had a box of crackers and a can of EZ-Cheese — but it was the middle of the night so I could not see. So I could not see how much EZ-Cheese I was applying to each cracker. So each bite into the cracker was a surprise as to how much EZ-Cheese I had applied, which makes me believe they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of EZ-Cheese. It’s not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won’t get mad ’cause it the glows-in-the-dark, too.

I was on the Craig Kilborne show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport, and a guy came up, he said, “Dude, I saw you on TV last night.” But he did not say whether or not he though it was good. He just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned back and said, “Dude, I saw you at the airport, about a minute ago… you were good.”

I get a cold sore, I hate to say it, Minnesota. But in a cold sore I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don’t know if it does help, but it will make ‘em shiny and more noticeable… It’s like cold sore highlighter. Maybe they can come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. Come on four billion! Fuck, seven! Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least.

I saw soda-pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head, ’cause then you start to think that you’re gonna sell pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. “What’s going on, Mitch?” “Not much, man, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It’s not refrigerated ’cause this is a half-assed commitment.”

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches… That’s what my business card says, “Mitch Hedberg: Potential Lunch Winner.” Give me a call, maybe we’ll have lunch… if I’m lucky.

I have a few cavities. I don’t like to call ‘em “cavities.” I like to call them “places to put stuff.” Do know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have locations available.

I especially hate turtlenecks. I wear a turtleneck it’s like being strangled by a really weak guy… all f**kin’ day. If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I was at a casino, I was minding my own business, this guy came up, he said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store often times I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut, man. I’ll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend, “Don’t even act like you didn’t get that doughnut.” “I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s at home… in the file… under ‘D’.”

Get your priorities crooked. That’s my sister. That’s what I tell her — she’s too straight-laced. I say, “Get your priorities crooked.”

You know they call corn-on-the-cob “corn-on-the-cob” right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that “corn.” They should call every other version “corn-off-the-cob.” It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm “Mitch.” But then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.”

A lot of times, I’ll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant ’cause “The customer’s always right.”

My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and the koalas scatter. I’m like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.