If my face ever ends up on a milk carton, I would like for it to include a maze so that kids associate me with fun. When I’m found, I want kids to say, “Thank you for getting lost. You’re awesome.”
Having a maze on my milk carton would speed up the search process, but increase school tardiness. Every morning conversation across America would look like this:
Mom: “Ok, it’s time to head out the door. Let’s go.”
Kid: “Hold on mom, I’m trying to finish this maze.”
Overall, I’m not as concerned about school tardiness as I am getting found. If kids start associating me with fun, they’ll look for me on their way to school. I’ll be the topic of conversation at schools everywhere. It would be such a distraction that it would have to be addressed by the media. CNN, ABC, and Fox News would pick up the story and a reporter will casually ask President Obama if Sasha and Malia have had just as much fun at the breakfast table.
This is my wish. If I go missing and there are no mazes or other fun games on my milk carton, know that I’m violently weeping in the trunk of an Oldsmobile in the mid-summer heat. I mean, what a waste of a good abduction.